by Paul and Cindy Erlandson

Prologue

Fellowshippers shall enter the sanctuary garrulously, centering their attention on each other, and gaily exchanging their news of the past week.

If there be an overhead projector, the acolytes shall light it.

The Minister shall begin Morning Fellowship by chanting the greeting, “Good Morning.”

Then shall not more than 50% and not less than 10% of the fellowshippers respond, chanting in this wise: “Good Morning.”

And NOTE, that if it be a hot day, the Minister shall at his discretion add:

‘Tall don’t mind if I take off my jacket,” draping said vestment over the pastoral chair, or stuffing it in some other place he may deem convenient.

The Glad-handing of the Peace

Then may the Minister say: “Why don’t we all shake hands with the person on our left and on our right and say ‘Good morning.’”

The glad-handing may be omitted, provided it be said on any Sunday when at least one visitor is present, and on Mother’s Day and Missionary Sunday.

When the general hubbub has subsided, the Minister shall say:

“You may be seated.”

Then, if there be any visitors present, the Minister shall embarrass them by commanding: “Will all of our visitors this morning please stand up and introduce themselves.”

The Old Hymn and Special Music

During the last stanza of the Old Hymn (not to have been composed before 1900 nor after 1950) the accompaniment tape shall be slipped into the sound system, or the organist shall warm up with a few lively runs up the keyboard.

Then shall be sung the Special Music appointed for the day.

The Reading

Then shall be read an arbitrary Scripture passage of the Minister’s choosing, so long as it does not relate to the time of the Church year.

The Sharesicles, Prayersicles, and Praiseicles of the Day here may be inserted as a time for individual fellowshippers to give their testimonies and share what the Lord has just really done in their lives.

Then, if the fellowshippers be charismatically inclined, shall follow:

The Cacophony

Here, many loud prayers, in English and other prayer languages, shall be offered simultaneously.

Prayer for the State of a Bunch of Individual Christians.

And after these, followeth a long pastoral prayer, the people devoutly sitting. The Minister shall begin with “O Lord, we just really praise you,” and continue with selected prayer requests, as many as he can recall from memory, for no less than ten and no more than twenty minutes, being sure to avoid such vain repetition as the Lord’s Prayer.

The Offertory Sentences

“Count your blessings, name them one by one. Count your blessings, see what God has done.”

The Arminian Creed

“I believe in God who once was Almighty, but sovereignly chose not to be sovereign; and in Jesus, my personal Lord and Saviour, Who loves me and has a wonderful plan for my life, Who came into my heart when I asked him to, and is now seated at the right ventricle of my belief in Him, Who walks with me and talks with me along life’s narrow way, and tells me I am His own, Who shall come again with secrecy to rapture us out of here, Whose Kingdom shall last one thousand years; And in the Holy Ghost, who did some weird stuff at Pentecost, but doesn’t do much more anymore except speak secretly to the hearts of individual believers. And I believe in this local, independent, and powerless church, insofar as it is in line with my personal interpretation of the Bible and does stuff! like; in one believer’s baptism for the public proof of my decision for Christ; and in giving my personal testimony for soul winning. And I look for the identity of the Antichrist, and know that the Last Days are now upon us. Ay-men.”

The Sermon Hymn

The Songleader shall then stand and say (in case any of the fellowshippers are unable to follow the instructions in the bulletin):

“Let’s all stand and sing number four hunnert ‘n’ thirty-one. Hymn four hunnert’n’ thirty-one, ‘I come to the Garden Alone.’ Together now — let’s really sing it out!” At his discretion, he may add, “Women only on the second verse, men only on the fourth, and let’s all join in on the chorus.” And NOTE, that the third verse of any hymn may (and usually should) be skipped, at the Songleader’s discretion.

The Sermon

The Minister shall expound on any of his pet topics for no less than forty-five and no more than sixty-one minutes, or until a handful of fellowshippers have fallen asleep, whichever comes last.

The Blurtus Interruptus

At unspecified intervals, various fellowshippers shall interrupt the sermon with the words “Ay-men”, “Preach it brother”, and other such phrases deemed by them to be appropriate.

The Invitation (to coffee and donut hour)

The Benediction

Except in the event that an Evangelist has given the sermon, in which case he shall forget the Benediction and proceed directly to:

The Divine Service of the Holy Altar Call

I. The Preface

The Evangelist shall say: “Poor, helpless Jesus has been knocking on the door of your heart for so long, wanting so badly to come in.”

II. The Uncomfortable words

“If you’ve been putting off this decision, remember that you could walk out this door after the service and get hit by a truck”.

III. The Prayer of Consternation

“Oh, Lord Jesus, if there’s anyone in this room who’s never gotten saved by saying the Sinner’s Prayer and inviting You into their heart, vouchsafe to remind them that this could be their only chance.”

IV. The Sursum Handus

“I want every head bowed, every eye closed, no one looking around. Nobody’s going to see you if you slip up that hand. If you’ve never asked Jesus to come into your heart and be your personal Lord and Saviour, you’re on your way to Hell. So slip up that hand. I see that hand. Yes, I see that hand, too.”

NOTE, that the organist, in the event the Evangelist has not finished his plea by the time she has played sixteen stanzas of “Just As I Am”, shall continue playing something very slowly while he pleads.

V. Benedictus Qui Venit (Blessed Is He That Cometh Down the Aisle)

“If you want Blessed Assurance that you’ll go to Heaven when you die — If you want to be there When the Roll Is Called Up Yonder — you just come forward as we sing the  seventeenth and final stanza of “Just As I Am.”

The Alliance of Confessing Evangelicals exists to call the church, amidst our dying culture, to repent of its worldliness, to recover and confess the truth of God’s Word as did the Reformers, and to see that truth embodied in doctrine, worship, and life. For information about ACE resources, conferences, or broadcasts, call 1-800-956-2644, or visit our web site: http://www.christianity.com/ace.

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