Thank you for your thoughtful reply.

I understand that all are commanded to repent and to believe, and, insofar as I am capable, I have sought to do both.

But I still can't get past the fact that if I am one day saved, then that means Jesus died for my sins, and if not, then He didn't.

I wish it were possible to more fully (e.g., at all) love and serve and obey and please and walk with God, without inflicting on Him such a terrible price. If I could somehow live as though I were a genuine child of God, but then still go to my punishment when I die, I would consider that far better, than continuing to live my present life which is sinful in every way possible, yet to be saved from His righteous wrath. His Glory is what matters above all else, not my eternal condition, except insofar as He is thereby glorified. What matters to me about salvation at this moment is not that I would escape His wrath due to sin, but, rather, that sin would be put to death in me, and that henceforth He would somehow be glorified in and through me.

I guess it is just very difficult for me to fathom God's Love, Mercy, and Grace, especially as they would pertain to someone like me.

Aspiring student of Christ